Signed, The King of Thieves
by imagines writes
Summary: Mana won't stop writing to Bakura. She also sends him artwork and teases him about only being worth two bags of barley. What's a thief to do? Oneshot,Pharaoh AtemXTKB,TKBxMana.


Title: Signed, The King of Thieves

**Summary: **Mana won't stop writing to Bakura. She also keeps sending him embarrassing artwork and teasing him about only being worth two bags of barley. What's a thief to do? Oneshot, minor Pharaoh Atem x TKB, major TKB x Mana.

**Disclaimer:** If I owned Yuugiou, I'd make the dub worth watching. As it is still badly edited, you can see that I do not own it. Yet. Oh, but I have great plans for it, yesss, the preciousss...

**Pairings:** Minor Pharaoh Atem x Thief King Bakura, major Thief King Bakura x Mana.

**Rating:** PG-13 for minor "suggestive adult themes."

**Spoilers:** None whatsoever. Amazingly.

**Notes: **AU, and expect some OOCness...because TKB's trapped in the palace, getting fanart from Mana. What else can you expect?

Spoonfed story explanation: This is a series of letters from TKB to Mana. You do not see her point of view, but you can guess what she writes to him by what he writes _back_.

Also, if there are horrible typos-- like words beingspacedlikethis, it's FFnet's fault.I swear everything was properly spaced when I uploaded. X.x

Remember: Every time you tell an authoress to update her oneshot,she kills a kitten. Please, think of the kittens.

-

Mana:

Let's get a few things straight, before you get any more twisted ideas stuck in that odd little brain of yours.

I steal. I laugh, I love, I hate-- but first and foremost, I steal. From homes and palaces and tombs and hearts.

I kill. It doesn't matter to me if you are a humble slave or the Pharaoh himself. Your life is in my hands, and if I wish to dispose of you, you will be dead before the next sunrise.

Now that we have established that I rule the desert, and that you don't want to cross me, what did you mean why don't I kill the Pharaoh already? You're right, I hate him with heart and mind and spirit. Yes, I want him to suffer the pain I've suffered.

So why don't I kill him? Why don't I have my revenge now?

Because there's a long story behind us-- us, that is I and the Pharaoh; and it started with two bags of fine barley.

Two bags of barley was all the Pharaoh would pay for me. He said I looked "interesting," that it might be nice to "study" me and my psychological damage from having my entire village boiled down into the trinkets the priests wear around their necks-- study my foot, because nothing you've heard about the Pharaoh's relationships with _girls_ is true.

That's right. Your darling pharaoh bought himself a whore-- me.

All of that without my consent, thanks very much. Now, I don't care who I'm screwing, male or female-- but that's the problem, it's _me_ being screwed this time around, and I don't like it one bit.

You asked why I stay if I don't like it. You ask too many stupid questions. Didn't your wonderful absolutely perfect priest slash magician slash teacher Mahaado ever tell you that you would learn more if you asked fewer stupid questions of people who could kill you in seconds? I would think it obvious that the longer your _life_ lasts, the more you will learn. Simple logic, Mana, something which you are not very good at.

I stay because I am a slave, and the only asylum for slaves is the desert! Or the temple, but Priestess Isis is still angry at me for the kohl-pencil fiasco-- no, you may _not_ ask about that-- and I do not think the temple would be a safe place for me.

So that brings us back to the desert, and why I don't want to go there.

You won't stop with the stupid questions, will you? Why don't I go back, if I said myself that I _rule_ the desert? Shut up or I will kill you. I have my knife right here...

Alright. I don't have my knife, because the guards took it from me when I was captured so I couldn't kill the Pharaoh. (Meaning I cannot kill the guards either, so no escaping for poor Bakura.)

That's right, the great Thief King hasn't killed the Pharaoh yet, for the simple reason that he has no weapon. Pathetic. Are you happy now, Mana? Run to your precious priest and tell him something he already knows!

Because everyone knows all of this, except you. You could have asked anyone in the palace about why I am stuck here for Re-knows-how-long, and thus avoided causing me such great pain in admitting the reason.

I don't know why you keep writing to me. Didn't anyone ever inform you that making friends with serial killers is a really stupid idea? Though even if they had, it's not like you'd have listened, would you?

Not that I'm your friend or anything. I don't care if _you_ think of me as your "friend," but remember that I do not return the sentiment. I really kind of hate you, Mana. Even though you did bring me leeks and figs while I was rotting in the stinking dungeon before the Pharaoh bought me. The fact that I was desperate for any non-worm-infested food does not make me your friend. It makes me your debtor, something which I do not like. Please tell me soon how you want me to repay you; I don't like to leave these things hanging.

-The King of Thieves

-

Mana:

No, my raging psychotic death-wish-for-the-Pharaoh-- that is, "If I want you dead, you will die"-- did not mean I want to kill you. The first-person-you was for emphasis. Don't spaz like that again; it was scary. You know what they say about the fury of a woman, don't you? Alright, so the quote is for _scorned_ women...but you get my point.

Don't you? I wonder if you get any of my points at all. I wonder if you've messed up one too many spells, and the effects of bad-magic-on-brain are finally getting to you, because you are _still_ writing to me.

And why in the name of Re are you trying to tease me about only being worth two bags of barley? That's not funny. Just because the Pharaoh is so miserly and could have gotten away with one _grain_ of barley because he is The All-Powerful Link to the Gods-- _By Re!_

Now to address the pressing problem of your chronic nosebleeds. Have you been drawing lately, Mana? Drawing me with the Pharaoh, perhaps? I think that if you _stop_ doing that (it's really insulting!), your nosebleeds will vanish.

Also, stop showing those drawings to your friends, though maybe I should be flattered that you all seem to think I'm sexy. It's embarrassing, so would you please quit it?

I'd say your mothers forgot to tell you that having crushes on thief kings can be dangerous, except that you've gone and told me that all your _mothers_ are in love with me, too. I'll be damned, is the whole female population of Egypt obsessed with me?

I knew you would ask about the kohl-pencil fiasco. Tsk-tsk, Bakura, shouldn't've mentioned it if you didn't want Mana dogging you about it 'til your dying day! And the answer is no-- no matter how many times you ask. you will _not_ hear the story from me. Go ask _Isis_ if you're so bent on knowing.

I'm glad you find such wild amusement in the fact that I have no knife-- gladder still that you took it upon yourself to send me a very small dagger that somehow sneaked past the guards who read my mail. Have you been casting charms on them so they can't see what we write, Mana? I guess your magic does come in handy every so often.

I would like to know why you are trying to help me escape. Don't you know that this dagger means I can kill my guards, then kill the Pharaoh? I could even kill you if I wanted. Shouldn't be trusting me so easily-- tsk-tsk, Mana.

Now, stop giving me things until you tell me how I can repay you! I told you, I don't like having debts held against me.

-The King of Thieves

-

Mana:

Thank you (I think) for the painting of me chained to the Pharaoh's bed. It is...lovely. Really. It's hanging on the wall, now-- the Pharaoh stole it from me. He thinks it's cute. Stop giving him ideas, Mana. I do not wish to be chained to his bed.

Also, thank you for the drawing of your mother. You say she wanted me to know what she looked like? You may tell her that if I ever get out of this Re-forsaken hellhole, she may feel free to run away with me and be the beginnings of a great harem encompassing _every damn female_ in Egypt.

Priestess Isis refused to tell you about the kohl-pencil fiasco? I might have guessed; it's not like she came out of it looking any less stupid than I did. Once again, no, I will not tell you. If you are that insistent on hearing a pretty story, ask High Priest Seth if he's ever found any whore who could kiss as good as I can. I guarantee his blush will be entertaining, even if he won't answer the question. (For your information, the answer is no. I am the best kisser in all Egypt. None surpass me and my talented tongue.)

You say you trust me because I'm your friend. You're an idiot. I should kill you when I escape so you can't grow up and have more idiot children.

Mana, I'm not going to write to you anymore until you promise to stop giving me things and let me pay you back for them. I will not accept them under the guise of "friendship", because that would imply that am your friend. Which I am clearly not, since I keep threatening your life.

-The King of Thieves

-

Mana:

No. Sending me an entire _portfolio_ of me: being chained to a bed, being kissed by the Pharaoh, kissing Seth, _kissing_ _Isis_ _for_ _Re's sake_, and kissing...you?...won't make me write to you.

-The King of Thieves

-

Mana:

Saying you want me to pay you back with a Re-forsaken _kiss_ doesn't work either, Mana. Aren't you a bit young for me?

-The King of Thieves

-

Mana:

Fine. Okay. _You win_. I'm writing to you again. Are you happy now?

Thank you (I think) for coming to visit me yesterday. I'm sorry you had to walk in on me being chained to the bed by the Pharaoh, but remember-- it was _your_ fault for giving him the idea, so I think you could have stopped shrieking quicker. No doubt it will give you fodder for your artwork, so you should be grateful. Silly Mana.

Anyway, I've paid you back-- with much force on your part, I might add. Making me kiss you like that didn't really feel like I was paying you back. On the contrary, it feels like I owe you even more. At least you now believe my claim that I'm the best kisser in Egypt, right?

Nice of you to accept my invitation to join my harem, even though I was really inviting your mother. I still say you're too young for me.

Your tales of the great High Priest Seth blushing like a young girl were _highly_ amusing! Please continue bothering the priests and priestesses as much as possible; the knowledge that someone is continuing my life's work (if in a gentler form) gives me the will to not slit my throat with the little dagger. (The guards still don't know I have it. Exactly how many charms did you layer on that thing, Mana?)

Would you mind coming again tomorrow night? Wait at the northwest corner of the outer castle wall. I'm getting out of this place.

-The King of Thieves

-

Mana:

Sorry I wasn't there to meet you last night. The stupid Pharaoh got me tied up in other things. Literally. The escape attempt will have to wait until I am able to walk again.

What do you _mean_ I was your first kiss? I was sure you'd kissed other boys by now. I mean, as much as you hit on me, don't you have _other_ boys you hit on slash force to write to you slash kiss you?

This means you can't compare me to other kisses. Which means my kisses are-- incomparable, right? Okay. That makes me sound good.

You say you need ideas for how to bother the priests and priestesses. Please find out if Mahaado really has a collection of tablets featuring the priestess-calendar girls. Then you can blackmail him for whatever you want. Remember that he won't care if any of the priests find out, but that he does not want Isis to know. She broke his last collection.

I hope you know what you're doing with those charms, Mana. Is there any possibility they could, I don't know, mix wrong? Interfere with each other? Blow my head off if I say the word "crocodile" within five feet of said charmed object? You know I don't need to be sprouting any extra noses or arms, right?

The escape attempt will have to wait. So will a longer letter; I see the Pharaoh coming and he has an armful of rainbow-dyed ropes.

-The King of Thieves

-

Mana:

I wasn't calling you a slut when I said I thought you'd kissed other boys!

I thought it was just natural assumption that anyone would make.

-The Thief King

-

Mana:

I am NOT a goat-shagging egomaniac!

-The King of Thieves

-

Mana:

I'm sorry you thought I was calling you a slut. I swear I wasn't. I don't think you're a slut. I think you are a very nice girl.

There, I apologized.

Is that good enough for you? Will you please write to me again?

I miss hearing about life outside the palace.

-The King of Thieves

-

Mana:

Just because I said I think you're a nice girl doesn't mean I was hitting on you. Stop twisting my words. "Nice girl" does not and never will equal "hot babe."

You did find those calendar girl tablets, then? Remember to blackmail Seth, and then tell Isis anyway. Wish I was there to see the results.

I'm sending a rainbow-dyed rope as you requested. Yes, it was the very one used to tie my left arm to my right ankle. Enjoy, but please don't tell me what you do with it.

I'm sorry you're getting tired of writing out "The King of Thieves" every time you write a letter. Therefore, I propose a solution:

Just "Bakura" will do, alright?

-The King of Thieves

-

Mana:

You are very touchy, you know that?

Twisting my words again, shame on you. I didn't say you were ugly. Can't you just accept that I have no feelings for you whatsoever? And no, we still are not friends.

You make too much of innocent words. Stop that; it makes me want to stab things. Like myself.

If you burn that rope as revenge, you _aren't_ getting another. Do you know what I had to do to get the Pharaoh to let me have it? On second thought, I'm not going to tell you. You don't need more art inspiration.

-The King of Thieves

-

Mana:

For the sake of Re and my sanity, would you please write to me?

-The King of Thieves

-

Mana:

I will flood you with letters until you write back, damn you!

Or I will escape and you'll never see me again. I've got my chance tonight!

So meet me at the northwest corner of the outer wall at midnight if you've stopped hating me by the time you get this.

-The King of Thieves

-

Dear Mana,

There is really no point anymore in my writing to you. Because you've fallen asleep in the back of the cave we ran to last night, so I could wake you up at any time and tell you any of this.

But I've noticed that it's easier to say things in a letter than to someone's face, so that's what I'll do.

I was afraid you weren't going to come last night. I guess you were still mad, since you slapped me the moment you saw me.

My point is... I was actually happy to see you, and that was a strange feeling. I think you cast a charm on me to make me want to kiss you, or maybe that was just me finally having a nervous breakdown.

I wonder where I can go from here? I only planned to escape; I never thought about where to go next.

You know you can't stay with me. It's too dangerous, and if you're caught, you'll be charged with treason. I don't want that for you.

Go back to Mahaado, Mana. Go back and stay safe in the palace, far away from the psychotic thief who has fallen in love with you.

The sun hasn't risen yet, so I have a few hours of darkness in which to go further into the desert, where no one-- not even you, Mana-- can find me.

I guess you'll find this last letter when you wake up. I'll be long gone.

I love you.

-Bakura


End file.
